Yes, Virginia, Christmas could be cancelled this year.
The AP, that is the Arctic Press News Service, is reporting that Santa Claus may have to cancel Christmas in America this year. According to elf sources within Santa’s North Pole secretive Headquarters, the office responsible for obtaining all of Santa’s travel visas to enter countries around the world has yet to obtain a U.S. entry Visa.
Delays mount as Mr. Claus, according to one elfian source, must submit decades worth of social media posts. Santa’s repeated travels to such shit hole countries such as Somalia, Nigeria, and South Africa have also raised suspicions by terrorism experts Moe, Larry, and Curly at Homeland Security’s Office of North Pole Counter Terrorism (ONPCT) along with his use of multiple aliases, according to the same source.
Although, the Department of State’s press office said if Santa was travelling to see Afrikaners in South Africa, that was acceptable. They also denied Trump demanded Santa buy $10 million in Trump family bitcoin memes before being issued a visa.
Those familiar with negotiations between Santa and the Department of State, report that the Secretary is demanding that only American children receive gifts, and children born to non-U.S. parents must not receive presents; that Santa must provide a list of the immigration status of all children that receive presents as proof. Santa continues to refuse these demands, it is said.
Moreover, The Secretary apparently ordered his staff to check Santa’s social media posts twice, and said, it is reported, that he won’t let a ‘woke’ Santa Claus travel to the United States or its territories.
Further mudding Santa’s travel plans to America; the Secretary of Homeland Security is reported to have formed an anti-Santa ICE task force group in what has been dubbed ‘Operation Clear and Present Danger,’ according to transcripts of a leaked cabinet meeting video. The Secretary adding, that ‘if that red suited red baiting groomer of young children lands’ in America he’s going to end up being deported to an El Salvadoran prison. “No Habeas Corpus for that woke Mother F*#@r.’
Additionally, the Secretary of War, per a leaked Signal Chat, declared during a situation room meeting after ordering new death squad strikes on more Venezuelans, that ‘if that Tre de Aragua terrorist Santa crossed into Venezuelan airspace he will be ‘swimming with the fishes’ and any surviving reindeer ‘would be hit with a second strike.’ A short video attached to the leaked Signal chat appeared to show a ‘Franklin the Turtle’ coloring book next to the Secretary, who doodled with crayons while an admiral briefed in the background.
Furthermore, in a deleted segment of a recent 60-minutes interview obtained by the AP, Trump is reported to have said that he isn’t on Santa’s List, and that he never knew Santa or travelled to the North Pole on his sleigh or engaged in inappropriate relationships with underage elf.
Trump even indicated his desire to annex the North Pole, saying, ‘they love me there, they really do.’ ‘I am really popular among the Elves,’ adding, ‘I would have been elected Santa Clause but the election was stolen by dirty, sleepy, fatso Kris Kringle.’ ‘His wife’s nice,’ he continued, ‘but not my type.’ ‘Once she said I was a sore loser, it told her quiet, quiet piggy.’ He even teased renaming the North Pole, Trumplandia and changing Christmas to Trumpmas.
To complicate things even more, Trump secretly imposed a 2000 percent tariff on all presents brought into America manufactured in North Pole workshops, per a leaked confidential White House decision paper last spring. Santa’s Office of Legal Counsel — the Office of Legal Clause — filed suit – in a rare writ of dies natalis Christi — challenging what it termed punitive and ‘illegal tariffs’ in June, but the Supreme Court, in a shadow docket ruling issued at three this morning sided with Trump, overturning an appeals court ruling to stay the tariffs until December 26.
Merry Christmas America.
